Mj Wallace

STRANGER THAN FICTION

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Martin James Wallace was born on his birthday, which, coincidentally also happened to be the same day as his twin brother Mungo. Eventually accepting this as the reason for Mrs Wallace's ever expanding midsection, and not an over indulgence on cod roe and chips as was previously suspected. Mr wallace senior decided to stop frequenting the local harbourside cafe's on weekends under the assumed identity of Doris The Surly Barmaid,and take his new found role as a father rather seriously. This came as a bit of a shock to Mrs Wallace, as she had become well aquainted with Doris and would now be in need of a new Bingo partner for Friday nights.

 

After finishing his school days in Cornwall, that Riviera of the English coast, young Wallace decided it was time to escape his home shores for a life of high adventure.

This he did with an almost unquantifiable amount of zeal, comparable only to the ill fated and infamous Quest of  The Lost Tribe of Cannibalistic Pygmy Shaman to find a vegetarian option for their new ALL YOU CAN EAT! MAN MEAT EXTRAVAGANZA!!!. And we all know how that ended? Of course, this would mean taking in an unbelieveable amount of strange and exotic local's along the way. Not to mention a collection of life experiences that when recounted would literally turn the listeners hair bone white in incredulous disbelief.

 

So, after a lifestyle that would make Alan Quatermain positively seethe with envy, not to mention the fairer sex fall to their knees in supplication and thank God that there were still real men to be found in the world. Young Wallace would return to these very shores years later, bringing with him a beautiful European wife rumoured to have been a double agent for the STASI, as well as a strapping young son of such advanced masculine proportions that one could fully understand the shock one morning, when presented with a breakfast of Kippers, warm Muffins and a proposal for gender reassignment... But that's another story.